Approximately half of all marriages today end in divorce. Along with that, many of my same-age friends have preteens or teenagers living in their households. Therefore, I suspect there are a lot of people going through what a close friend of mine has been with her son. She recently asked me for advice and I thought I'd share with everyone what I told her. You see, this friend of mine has raised her boys by herself for the most part. Dad is a deadbeat. He's fairly often unemployed, has legal issues, consistently behind on child support, and just an all-around bad influence for his boys. Now, her oldest boy has told her he wants to go and live with his dad. He hasn't been doing very good in school and she has threatened to hold him back if his grades don't improve. There are quite a few major changes going on in her household right now as well. I can understand how he may be feeling, having once been a teenager myself.
I have thought about what I would say to my own children in this situation, so I already had the words in my head. As many of you may know, I have a daughter that's about to become a teenager. As headstrong as she is (she is my "Mini-Me' after all), I imagine I would be going through the same situation with her if my husband and I were to separate, God forbid.
If you're ever faced with a disgruntled teenager who thinks he or she would be better off with the other parent, take a deep breath and start with this (without sarcasm or contempt, of course):
“I understand it’s tough being a teenager. Everyone is telling you to act like a grown up but not giving you the freedom to make
your own choices. You’re right, though. You could choose to live
with your [other parent] at your age. However, I want you to understand what that
means and how things will likely go. You will either A) have to convince me to
agree to let you do that (which is not going to happen because I don’t believe
that is in your best interest as your parent) or B) ask your [other parent] to petition the
court on your behalf for a change of custody. A court date will be set,
you will have to talk to a judge and convince him or her that there is sufficient reason
to remove you from my home and allow you to live with your [other parent]. Unless
your life is at risk or there are drugs or illegal activity in my house, it is
highly unlikely that a judge will make a decision in your favor. That, in
turn will likely cause more stress on everyone involved and make the situation
that you think is so bad here, significantly worse. So I want you to
think about which path you would like to take. Either you can abide by
the rules in my house, and work hard in school, and understand that I am only
doing my job as a parent: to raise you to be a self-sufficient upstanding
member of society, or you can continue in thinking that your life will somehow
be better if you go and live with your [other parent].”
I sincerely hope that my words can help someone else, as it has her, on this emotional roller coaster of raising a teenager. Hang in there. It's worth the ride.
